"Pause"

Dear Diary,

I'm not going to be posting here for a little while.

A lot's been going on for me lately, and I'm not sure how to feel about some of it. I need to take a break, step back, and try and sort out my feelings.

- Anwenn.

"Shoe Drop"

Dear Diary,

The house is gone.

Even though I'd contacted the managers, and one had told me that they'd be gentle about it, and IM me to come get my stuff.. I guess someone didn't get the memo.

I woke up to find a bunch of offline notices from Second Life, letting me know that my things had been returned to me en-mass, and that I'd been ejected from the Somersley Community group. No warnings, no IMs, no "you've been a great neighbor, sorry to see you go".. just bam, here's your stuff, get out.

To be fair, I certainly knew it was coming.. and the managers have no control over the fact that the messages say "you have been ejected" or not... but still, a kind word would have been nice. Why didn't I pick up my stuff before that? Well if Mommy had logged in at the last minute to pay the rent, I certainly wouldn't have wanted her to find my room empty.

I'd logged out in my bed.

I logged in to find myself standing on the street, now removed from the parcel's access list.. still wearing my Pajamas. I TPed to a sandbox, and changed my clothes.

I logged into my adult av's account, and rezzed up a small platform on a small, disused piece of land, and cobbled together a nice little one-room house out of prefab parts, then rezzed out a streaming media TV. The rest, I think is going to be up to Anwenn to decorate.. assuming that she, or rather I, decide to stay here.

Home sweet temp

Small and simple, but nice. Will probably need some work tho.

It's really just a stopgap measure, and I fully realize that.

This little house, this platform, is just one tiny step in the project of "keeping Anwenn". I'll need someplace safe to go when things get rough out there. There will be people who will not enjoy my being around.  I might change-out the house in time.. but the point is the same, I need a "home" where I can go when I need to.

I'm in a lot of denial right now. I know that when things settle down, I'm going to have wounds over this that need healing. How bad those wounds will be still remains to be seen. Did I lose a house and an RP community? Or did I lose my family too?

Thankfully, I can still cling to hope for the moment. Hope that Mommy will come back. Hope that we'll rebuild and start again. Hope that she hasn't been crushed by everything that's happened in her RL and now in SL too.

It's WAY too early to start talking about other families (someone asked). I'm still dealing with the loss of the place I called home for the last 4 months. And I still cling to that hope that the Lee family can survive this.

But it takes two.

"A Funny Sort of Peace"

Another OOC post..

Dear Diary,

Went to the store yesterday.. got some fish-sticks and mac&cheese.. my go-to comfort food during camp. It's the food of the best nights of my childhood, when I'd stay and a friend's house. That was dinner.

And then I sat on SL, pondering how to begin this photography.. and then my mind wanted to work on other things. I spent over an hour downloading new windlight settings, and quickly falling into the trap of "I don't really want to do this thing, so I'm going to focus endlessly on the periphery, so I never have to actually do it".

A rough night's sleep, and a late morning, some clothes and a sandwich.. and I soon found myself logging in to MineCraft. Clearly the most crucial of things. I spent hours using my XP grinder, enchanting books in search of the ultimate enchantment to apply to a pickaxe.

Eventually I ran out of books, and my friend who was playing with me ran out of steam. And so, reluctantly, I logged in to SL.

And pulled out my trampoline, and bounced on it.

Bounce bounce.

I don't *WANT* to take these sad pictures. It's obvious that I just don't actually want to. I'm sure I'll take a FEW.. mostly just me tucking in the prim babies. Maybe a few documenting the layout of my bedroom.. but that's it.

I can't pose for pictures with Mommy if she's not here.. and she's the only one I really want some pictures with. I already have lots of those tho...

And honestly, the end of the house.. if this does turn out to *BE* the end of it... doesn't *HAVE* to be the end of our family. All it takes is her having the time, ability, and energy to log in, and the desire for wanting to keep the family.

The house is "just prims" and it can be rezzed again someplace else.

I've worried enough, I think. At this point, the possibility of losing the house seems more of a mildly sad likelihood, and as the final hours tick down, it will drift into an, at worst, melancholy loss.

I am more concerned at Mommy's absence, and her silence. Worried that she herself might be ill, or unable to access the internet.. or worse. So many tough things were going on for her, in her immediate family in RL. I worry that things got worse.

Compared to that, this house is nothing. Just a virtual backdrop for a roleplay that hasn't convened regularly in nearly 2 months. Deleting it seems only natural, especially given the high cost to maintain it.

Bounce bounce.

It may seem cavalier.. it's hardly been that tho. I haven't posted the days and days of worried angst.

What worries me now isn't so much losing the house... it's what comes next. Is she coming back? Should I just start moving on? Should I re-invent myself someplace inbetween for the timebeing? It's hard making these sorts of decisions without her input.

Ironically.. she's the person I'd turn to for advice in this situation.

"Gone Fishing"

Dear Diary,

Sitting around the house at Somersley today, running around on the hedges, feather flying around the yard, when an IM came through on the SL Kids group, announcing the Livingtree fishing contest.

I went over there, pulled out my trusty 7seas fishing rod, and fished while the contest ran. I also built a very silly little fishing setup, which is just a water bucket and a lil wooden chair. 3 prims and a bit basic, but it was fun to make while I was sitting there.

Then Mari put a goldfish in the bucket and I giggled my butt off.

Got some more of the usual flotsam and jetsam that comes with 7Seas fishing.. I'm essentially starting fresh with this av, so I've got to re-craft all the various database and fish finder gadgets. Thankfully, Aunt Kelly (aka, my other avatar) has a full on 7 seas fishing area kit.. so if things come to pass where the house goes poof, I may set myself up a small fishing area wherever I settle.

This reminds me, I still need to hunt up one of those golf clubs.

Fishing ended, and everyone left.. but Mari admonished me to try and have fun. I logged off of SL after a bit of feather flying around Livingtree. I've got a couple of RL issues to take care of (need to run to the store for a few things)....

But when I get back, I think I may drop the L$ for that AnyPose system that Mari uses for posing in her photos, and try and teach myself how to use that.. and take a few pics around the house, while there's still a house.

But for now, the store!

"Taking Stock"

This is an out of character, 'real me' post.

Dear Diary,

The days are getting short. With only 4 days left on the rental box at Somersley, I've tried everything I can think of to get in touch with Mommy. I have to face the unpleasant possibility that she may not be back before the rent is due.

Tick tick tick

 I've tried everything. Notes on the message board in our home, notecards sent directly to her inventory, but she hasn't logged on since March 4th. I've tried sending offline IMs in hopes that they'll hit her email, and I've even tried using the "Private Message" function on my.secondlife.com.

No responses.

The last time I saw Mommy in person was, I believe, February 22nd. After Mari's rezzday party. Mommy sent me a notecard on March 4th, and that's the last time she logged in, which means she hasn't even received my reply.

I knew her life was super stressful in RL.. and she'd made it clear that unusual circumstances had come about for her. I won't go into too much detail here, but suffice it to say that there were family members needing to go to the hospital, surgeries, complications, etc. She hinted at wanting to work on her blog posts, and was hoping that the coming weekend would afford her some time to log in to SL.

Obviously it didn't. Nor the weekend after.

Now don't get me wrong.. I don't blame her for the time away, or even the silence. She's made it clear why she's been absent, at least in part.. and I can certainly understand why she needs to spend the time in RL dealing with RL things and people.

But. There's always a "but" right? Things haven't been so peachy rosy for me. Those few of you who read this blog, most of you probably know that I have an adult "alt" account. Her life hasn't been perfect of late, with one relationship collapsing, and her circle of friends becoming smaller and quieter, and less available... and 'me' having no one I could really turn to for support. My store (with that account) hasn't been doing too well.. and even though I embarked that account on an avatar makeover, I've mostly buried myself in scripting work to try and deaden the pain and isolation. It's helped, but it never works completely.

I haven't been taking good care of myself in RL either. Working myself from the moment I wake up, til my eyes shut at night. Screwed up some paperwork deadlines in my depression.

They say that time moves faster in SL.. and that a week in real life is like a month in SL. Imagine then what it's like to bury 12-16 hours in SL a day, mostly alone.

Mommy referred to my other account as her "Best Friend"... and the feeling was honestly quite mutual. She was the person I could tell everything to.. share everything with. She knew both sides of my personality. She's the person I would have turned to when all this other adult stuff went kablooey..  and she hasn't been around.

I feel terrible admitting all this here, because I know she will eventually read it. I haven't updated very regularly while she's been gone, but I still suspect she checks the site every few days, hoping I'll post something. Maybe from a cybercafe, or a computer at a library.

There's been two pageviews from Australia this week..

I like to think it was you, Mommy.

I miss you.

I've spent the last few days alternating through panic and worry.. Mari's put up with so much.. far too much.. of my angst. And I feel super guilty for turning to her with it.. I know it brings up unhappy memories for her. but my friends list has become intimidating again.

I've logged in every day for the last week and a half. Usually via text, usually I'd log in, check the hovertext on the rent box, check the "last logged in" date on Mommy's profile, then log back out and go back to my scripting.

But now it's 4 days left.

I could certainly understand if Mommy decided there was no point in keeping paying the rent.. especially since no one's using the place. I log on to see if she's been on, then I log off. It's an awful lot of land for 'a place to keep prim babies rezzed', and at 4600L$ per week, *I* certainly can't afford to pay the rent on this place. At the current going rate, that would be around $80 per month. I just don't have that kind of money.

I've struggled since camp.. with Mommy's absence it's been easier to put this account into stasis, and just 'not log in' on a daily basis, waiting for her to be here. There was talk of entering school, but on some level, I really wanted Mommy's involvement in that process. So I've basically been 'waiting'... with everything on hold.

Somersley Estates is an AMAZING RP environment. Unfortunately, it's terribly quiet and boring if you're not RPing with someone. And with my personal shyness issues, I'll avoid people due to shyness, and never get into what little RP is going on at any given time. Sadly, my license to play here also expires when the rent does.

So I'm facing hard possibilities. We could lose the house.

I've started taking stock of my situation, and trying to wrap my head around what that would be like, what it would mean.. what I would do, where, and wondering if Mommy is ever going to come back.

I worry that you're sitting out there with a little time here and there to get online.. and maybe you're wrestling with these very same questions, and you're overwhelmed by guilt.. in some mistaken idea that it would just be better, or easier if you didn't log back on, rather than coming on with bad news.

If we lost the house, would I rebuild? Build some semblance of a family home on a tiny slice of land someplace? Or put together some kind of kids playhouse or hobo trailer on some land someplace, waiting for Mommy to come online so we could rebuild properly? Would I just live out of my backpack and wander the grid without an official "home"?

Would I just turn off the lights on Anwenn and go back to my other account?

I promised Mari I wouldn't do that.

Would it mean the end of our family? I hope not.
 
Tonight, I wandered around the house.. looking at the few things rezzed out that belong to Mommy, that I'd miss if they were gone. Mostly the only items I'm that attached to are in my room.. My bedside lamp, my bookends, the pillow fort. I really only JUST moved in to this room, and just replaced all my furniture. Very little of it means anything to me.. other than a couple of pictures, and that trophy and geode from camp.. it's all just 'stuff out of kits'.

Mommy's pictures all over the house, unfortunately, would be lost to me. There's no way for me to copy them, or buy replacements. The frames, but not the pictures inside. She'd have them tho.

When all is said and done, Second Life is just a game. The house, the pictures, the prim brother and sister sleeping in their beds.. they're just pixels on the screen. The friendship, relationship, familyness between Mommy and me, is more than that. Even if we do lose the house.. I hope that she can get past any guilt she feels over that, and come back online.

Houses can be replaced. Awesome mommies are a bit harder to come by.

I'll probably take the opportunity of these few remaining days, to take some (sad) pictures around the house. If Mommy comes back and saves the place, and everything goes back to normal, then there's no harm done.. but if we do lose the place, or worse.. then in the future, looking back on this time, I'll regret having had the opportunity to take some poignant sad memory photos, and not doing it when I had fair warning.

And I'll still have the weekend open to me, if I decide it's gotten too heavy and I need to go run around and chase down Mari and see what she's doing.

And who knows.. Mommy might log on.

"Paradigm Shift"

I'm considering re-designing my blog here, a little bit.

When it was first created, I'd intended it to be an in-character, roleplay journal, as told from the perspective of a character I was playing in an RP family, in Second Life.

Camp Hardknock changed that. It changed me. It changed my perspective on what I wanted with Anwenn, and what I wanted her life to be. I wanted her to be more, to be more of me, and to be her more of the time.

Certain outside events occurred not long after camp, and I won't detail them all here.. but I found myself withdrawing, and more isolated on my so-called 'main' account, and at the same time, 'on pause' with Anwenn while her SL Mom worked to try to sort out her own RL issues.

But in that time of pause, Anwenn has occasioned to do "SL Things" with SL Friends. People I met at camp, and one longtime friend from my main account that I was finally able to get to spend time with once Anwenn existed.

But not everything in SL makes sense in the universe we created for Anwenn's blog. The constant 'untruthful euphemism' of "School" and "Aunt Kelly" began filtering it's way into and out of friendships, and confusing things all the more. And then Anwenn started doing things that simply made no sense to share here.

Like going sailing with other kid friends, no adults present. Or going flying with Mari in her airplanes, and she's only 8-anna-half.

I dislike deceptive duality, and I dislike even more feeling like I have to 'leave out' some of the really fun and rewarding times, just because they make no sense for the character Anwenn to have experienced.

I considered the idea of creating another "Voice" like these school handouts here.. but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the out-of-character content was likely to become the "normal" content, with the in-character stuff being the exception.

Sadly, most of the "players" and characters in Anwenn's family seem to have checked out for reasons of their own. It's down to Anwenn's Mom, and the characters made of scripts and prims.

And to be fair, with the extended absences of Anwenn's Mom from SL.. it's hard to write anything at all in character for Anwenn, that makes any sense at all.

Rather than pack it in on Anwenn, or let this blog rot and just start another one ("Finding Anwenn" is a great name, I'd hate to retire it).. my choice is to adapt this blog to something less formal, so that I can share what's really going on, and what really mattered to me.

There will probably then be some crossover talk, where I talk about things I did, when I might not have been logged in as Anwenn, or might not have been logged in at all.

But the formality of in-character speech, is making it impossible to continue. And right now it's just easier to relax that rule, than to not say anything about the great things going on.